8.27.2017

Overthinking Again


I don’t know if anybody out there can relate, but I have a hard time with life. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s great, but a lot of times for me, it’s really hard.

No matter how I’m feeling, I always find myself struggling with certain stuff, or I find myself stuck in the same thing that keeps repeating over and over again and I’m just like, how am I going to end this? It’s that moment where you’re in it, and then you’re going to separate yourself from that situation and you look at it and you see it for what it is. Then you’re able to do something about it and realize that you have now broken out of that cycle. 

Honestly, there’s so many circumstances that when I’m inside myself and I am on my own, I feel like I'm in a bad neighborhood. I should not be in this neighborhood alone. I can’t be there by myself. It’s insane. It’s crazy. It’s a bad place for me to be by myself. When I’m in there, my whole life gets turn off. I don’t say nice things to myself. There’s another me who wants to take me down. I find that it could be behavior, or depressive stuff or whatever it is. I’m not actively doing or getting out of myself and being with other people, being a son, being a brother, being a friend, or helping someone out. If I’m out of myself, I’m great. If I’m inside, all the time, I’m horrible, I’m a mess. And that for me is like, I don’t like my mind right now – stuck in problems that are so unnecessary.

But that’s the moment where I drive myself nuts, actually thinking like all these are real problems. All the stuff that’s going inside me – I’m just doing this to myself and regardless of whatever that thing is, this is a conscious awareness of that thing.

Then, when I can step back and look at something, I am actually elevating myself consciously, I am enlightened at that point to a certain degree. This is that moment of enlightenment where I go, “I can do something about this and by doing it, I can move forward and get on and live life on life’s terms and experience the spectrum of humanity and not want to get out of it – whether it’s happiness or sadness or whatever." When I’m in it, I just want to get out of however I’m feeling, whatever that is.

I think for a lot of people, when you’re successful, you’re going to be totally satisfied and happy for the rest of your life. It doesn’t happen like that for me. Life for me happens based on what’s going on inside my head. What is going on in my life, as a friend, as a son, as  a brother, as a family member.

This is my life. Man, I’ve gone through really crazy stuff and I need to find a source of inspiration. Life is throwing these balls, whether good or bad. I try to find the positive about all these things, but still think about the feelings I am going through about other circumstances. 

Oh well. This is just me, overthinking again.


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